There's no such thing as fairy tales.

I haven't visited in a while. I've missed this katieog blog. I've been addicted to tumblr though. It's really cool, and I like it. I can spend hours looking at quotes and pictures. Anyways.

My birthday is in practically a day. I'm going to be eighteen years old.

But what does that really mean?

I feel like everyone gets so excited for birthdays. People get so psyched for 16, 18, 21. But really. When I turned sixteen, nothing happened. I was of driving age, but I couldn't get my license. I didn't even have my permit. Now, I am turning eighteen. But how does that affect my life?

I look at it. Hey, I can vote. Hey, I am adult, and I can sign my own permission slips. I can also buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, but those really don't matter to me.

But hey, I am adult. There are so many rules that apply to me now. I can go to adult prison. I can be charged for a hell of a lot more things.

Fuck.

I feel like everything is crumbling beneath my feet. My grades. My dignity. My life. My emotions. My confidence (or however much was there before). And now.. now what do I do?

I know I shouldn't be complaining. Sometimes it's hard to bundle up so much shit. And I just need to say I'm tired of it.

And I guess I need to study more. Try harder. But it's not like I'm not trying, and that is what is pissing me off.

I haven't started college apps. Fuckk.

I used to blog almost every single day... sometimes even more than that! Whenever I was angry, whenever I was sad, whenever I wanted to procrastinate, etc... I had my blogs to fall back on. But now, now I am getting lazy.

Sometimes I just want to keep all of my feelings and emotions in instead of pouring them out into entries.

I used to think about life and what-not. What is the meaning of life? I don't have enough time for that... even though the meaning of life is probably more important than one math homework assignment. Priorities. It's hard to choose.

July 28th was the last time I blogged here. That's a long time.

I need to do homework.

I need to be a better person.

I need to do a lot of things.

What else is new?

Oh yeah. I need to do college applications. That's new.

**So I just read some of my old entries from May. Hecka deep. What happened to me? I feel like I change every few weeks. I wish I was stable. This is one of the things I dislike about being a kid. I don't have a stable state of mind.

But then again, I am terrified of growing up. My eighteenth birthday is in less than two months now. I will be an adult. I still feel like I'm thirteen. I mean.. I still wish I was thirteen.

La vie n'est pas souvent ce qu'on voudrait. Mais on doit se battre contre les obstacles. Et moi, bien que je me plains tout le temps, je ne sais rien. Je connais trop de personnes qui devraient se plaindre plus.

Wow. I haven't done French in so long. Very rusty.

Aussies call breakfast brekky. Hecka cool, no?

Australia was definitely a highlight of my summer, if not THE highlight. Of course I wish I spoke Vietnamese, so I could communicate with Kevin's relatives, but at least he translated for me. Touring by ourselves in Melbourne was fun. Kevin was daring, and I was willing, so we flew to Sydney at 6 in the morning to tour there. It was just the two of us, and we toured. Then we stayed in a hotel and went out the next day. The ferry rides were amazing. My only regret about Sydney is that I brought too much clothes (we had to carry everything on our backs), and it was way warmer there than Melbourne. (Melbourne=10 degrees colder than SF; Sydney=10 degrees warmer).

I miss Australia.

Trust.

Honesty.

If you don't have those,

You don't get respect.

And I hate to tell you I told you so. But I kind of knew it was going to happen.

One, two, three steps forward. One, two steps back.

When will it end?

How is it, you ask?

It's hard. Really hard, I say.

Two weeks. But there's a lot left. We can make it.

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. For what is better.

Some people are jerks. Not good people. Actions speak louder than words. Open your eyes.

I need to clean up my stuff. All of my crap from school is lying around the house. And my room is messy.

I wish it would end. It's a terrible experience. I see so much pain.

Arena is dangerous.
Happiness.
Sadness.
I've always been happy/satisfied after. Today was the first day I felt terrible. I went to sign up for classes, and they would close up right when I went up to them. The only classes that were open were ones during 11/12 or 14/15, and those are my locked classes.
But everyone must have bad pick. It's the cycle that is the arena rotation.
The only thing I'm pissed off about is that we work for hours. We run the arena all day, and we go in there tired and a little stressed out. Then we come out with bad schedules. Then a lot of people have go back to work. Personally, I felt drained when I went into arena.
I hate arena. It's so stressful.
I love arena. I can't imagine my high school life without it. To control your schedule (or not if you have bad pick) is a wonderful thing. To be responsible of your life for the next semester. To choose. It's a freedom I'm thankful to have. It's an opportunity that our school only has.
I'm still sad and pissed off. I swore so much when I realized I was going to file incomplete. I think I scared some people.

Incomplete. Was this day. Overall, today was not a good day. I can think of three specific things.

Don't listen to them. They ain't your real friends.

These things make you see the very fine line between your friends and those uncaring acquaintances.

The truth is that everyone in life goes through problems.

It's just that we have different issues we must work out. Some may seem worse than others, but I guess it's all a part of life.

Thank you to everyone who is here for me right now. It means a lot. I don't know what I would do without you.

Happy birthday mommy. I didn't have anything for her. Usually I work on it with my brother.

What a birthday, huh? She said we'll do something later. I know when later is. I just don't think it's any time soon.

I'm tired of hearing the same painful story over and over again except I can't stop listening. Every time I can't believe it. This cannot be possible. I'm sure she gets tired of telling it. Just like how I am too.

Reality is sinking in. It doesn't make it any more okay. Life is so fucked up.

I heard that in the House season finale, House goes to a psychiatric hospital.

And I hear complaints all around. I have a final tomorrow! I'm going to die. I have so many problems. I don't know how to deal with them. Not going to lie. I say that stuff too. But every single time I hear something. Every time I feel something like this slip out. My heart hurts. I have become so sensitive.

And to top it off, I would have already had enough time to worry about. Last dance. Dragons tournament. Finals. LSA. Shield and Scroll. Peers. School. My new schedule. Graduation. Arena. School is a good distraction from life though. It's so fabricated and light. Nothing bad happens. It's so fake when I look at it now. That's kind of what I need.

I GOT A B IN ENGLISH. Good thing. Or I would have cried. But these past few days have made me realized that there's more to life. But I still appreciate the grade. It would have been a terrible scar on my report card.

And I talk about how much I'm suffering. But I still have no idea what suffering is. And I'm almost positive you don't know either.

I go through my days. People feel bad that I have been through so much. They don't even know the fucking half of it. The new part. Something almost as bad.

I don't have any freaking time for any of that pointless shit. It's a bigger deal than it needs to be. Other things in the world are so much more important. So you guys need to get over it.

Too much shit to deal with.

I have never felt so connected to this blog's title.

People are selfish.

Selfishness can lead to very bad things. People can be stupid and inconsiderate. The problem with selfishness is that people let it control their lives. They can't control it, and their life falls apart before they can stop it.

Aren't we all selfish at one point in our lives?

Isn't selfishness what keeps us sane and living? If you did not care for yourself first, would you even be alive? If we thought to feed the starving and sacrificed our own food, we wouldn't be living, would we? And aren't you selfish because you're wasting the energy to read this? Shouldn't you be saving the world?


That's what I thought.

If you don't look out for yourself, no one will. Sure you have your family, but they can only help you to a certain extent.

Why do we do the things we do?

I'll admit it. I'm selfish. But come on. Who isn't?

Life is a journey.

I made the mistake of thinking that college was the end of it all. I'm so worried about where I'm going. I feel like it will determine who I am for the rest of my life. What if I make a terrible decision? What if where I think I want to go is the wrong decision? But then again.. I have no idea where I want to go. The small private schools are appealing in their own way. The large UC's are really appealing too. So what should I think? People have been asking me where I want to go to college ever since I've entered high school, but my thinking really hasn't changed at all. So of course I'm leaning towards the big UC's because that's what everyone else is doing, but what do I really want? I don't know. I really don't. And my grades are dropping. This is the most important year. I wish freshman year counted. That was a great year. Everything was easier. Actually.. not everything, but that's a different story.

"It's not the end of the journey; it is only the beginning."

And that is completely right.

Deep down most people are good. I think that was hard for me to understand at first. Things aren't as simple as black and white. But still. There are those rare bad seeds. Using people. Throwing them around like sacks of potatoes. Not even potatoes. They treat them worse than that.

I need to stop judging. Maybe not completely, but I need to change.

Honesty is the answer. Without it, who are you? You're someone else. You're something else.

Take a step back. Who are you now?

Sometimes it's hard to know if what I think I'm experiencing is real or not. Is it a dream? Is it real? Things seem so strange that it seems like it's a dream, or more like a nightmare. Things seem too good to be true, so I must be dreaming, right? Or my dreams seem to real that I think it's real life. And then since I'm so confused I think that really good or really bad things that happen in dreams could be real life.

Life is confusing. I wish I could describe it in more words.

But really... things take me by surprise. What am I supposed to think? I don't know why I'm always so oblivious to my surroundings. I don't know if there are other people that feel the same way. I don't know if it's that I'm worrying about something else, or I think everything is fine, so I'm not watching out.

Life is weird.

Life.

Isn't it hypocritical when you call someone self-righteous.. when you yourself are self-righteous to call someone that?

I was thinking of calling her that since she was so defensive and such. And I was right (me being self-righteous).

But then again. I am a hypocrite.

We all are.

I hate saying the wrong thing. I hate doing the wrong thing. It haunts me forever... or at least for a few days. Or a few weeks. Or sometimes a few months. Perhaps longer. No matter how small it is.

Like.. why did I do that? Why did I say that? I didn't really mean to.

Regrets.

No one is perfect.

Yay! We got third place.

All of the stress has ended, but at the same time, it has just begun.

How cliche did that sound!

Actually.. all of the AP exams were a lot easier than I thought, but I still hope I passed. I'm still not sure I did...

I need to do some homework. I have caught junioritis, very similar to senioritis except much milder.

is tomorrow.

I want to escape.

I'm a failure.

I need to write this essay draft. Fuck!

DONE.

Pretty sure I passed. It was a little easier than I thought?

Kevin and I are going this summer. It's going to be amazing. I know you're jealous.